It Started with a Feeling, and Now My Boyfriend and I are Sitting in a Clinic for a Pre-Conception Consultation, and I Can’t Stop Worrying About My Unknown Future
The doctor says I won’t have many changes since I’ve been on hormones for so long, but still—
The doctor says I won’t have many changes since I’ve been on hormones for so long, but still— I ask my boyfriend if he would still love me without this drug I’ve been on the entire time he’s know me I wonder what my parents would say when I tell them my definitive answer yes or no I wonder if they will call me a girl again and a she I wonder if I will have more changes and my hips will extend and my face will prickle him less when I sleep and if it will be harder to gain muscle at the gym I wonder why did I start these in the first place if I end up stopping for a year and a half I wonder did they help at all I wonder where would I be if I avoided them and continued as a girl I wonder. I decide that I still cannot see myself as a girl but I can as a father to a loved baby I decide that what my parents think should not determine what I think I decide I’ve done this before when I wouldn’t know what would happen after my first injection after my mastectomy after calling him my boyfriend I decide they were not a mistake I decide I am confident in who I am now regardless of what everyone else thinks I decide I could not say yes to this decision before that first injection I decide my body is my body and I love and can re-love it time and time again I decide I did that after surgery and after the nightmare IUD I decide I have more support now I decide he helped me love my body before, so no matter what happens, he will help me love it again in my Notes app at 11pm I decide I have support from myself now I decide yes, let’s have a baby.
Aarron Sholar is a transgender writer who has pieces forthcoming and published in The McNeese Review, Prose Online, Alien Buddha Press, The Under Review, Thin Air Online, Sunspot Lit (awarded the Quarterly Editor’s Prize), Broadkill Review (nominated for Best of the Net and The Pushcart Prize 2022), and others. He holds a BA from Salisbury University and is an MFA candidate in CNF at MNSU, Mankato, where he is Head CNF Editor of Blue Earth Review.
