If Only for a Moment
I found myself somewhere between pleasure and fear. Surely that unflinching stare was searching for the very essence of my soul.
by Sadie Bee
Eyes like night gazed down at me, never blinking, or looking away. How could such a lovely brown turn so dark and beady? I found myself somewhere between pleasure and fear. Surely that unflinching stare was searching for the very essence of my soul. Perhaps he was thinking of other ways to devour me, or maybe he felt that I would simply evaporate. At that moment, I would have liked to; instead, the contact of our pupils was an intimacy that made my body shrink. If I looked closely enough, I could see myself reflected in those deep pools of murky indifference.
I brought myself there with a familiar scene and a more familiar stare. Pleasure for me was not derived from the unknown or, in his case, the usual. Yet, it provided me some comfort—an escape from the recesses of my mind, from the mundanity of life. Then, I was not someone with humanity attached; I was simply a vessel for want of another and I welcomed it. Yet, we both knew it was just a means to an end.
My addled mind believed it was love. I believed love was an act I performed for another, whether it benefited me or not. Certainly, our encounters made me feel I had gained something. Adoration, even if only for a moment. I collected those moments like trinkets, storing them in a box hidden beneath my bed. Notches on a bedpost felt too cliché.
Deep down, I knew those trinkets would never fill me up. Holding on to them reminded me of everything I lost in pursuing something I could never have. Someone that I no longer wanted to be. They say love is sometimes letting go, and so I did. I took those trinkets, filled with empty I love you's, needlessly faked climaxes, the stars I saw in those brown eyes, and smashed them into the ground. I gathered the pieces in a jar and buried them in a cemetery alongside a piece of my heart.
Sadee Bee is ever-evolving as living with mental illness is never a straight line and hopes to be a voice and advocate for those like her. She uses art as an outlet as well, creating whatever comes to mind, and is heavily drawn to speculative and out-of-this-world elements. She is inspired by strange dreams, magic, and creepy vibes.