You won’t want to miss this. Once it’s gone, it’s gone!
This weekend only AND WE MEAN ONLY at the local Civic Center – home of the Penguins Youth Hockey League – make way for the Gerston & Volman Three Ring Gun XXXTravaganza! The biggest (and hopefully not last) gun show of the decade!
We guarantee this will be the greatest gun show you’ve ever seen, or we’ll let you wing us on the shoulder.
Gerston & Volman Blood Moon State Promotions brings together the biggest and best gun sellers from the upper-Midwest region for a weekend that will live in infamy!
AND (don’t tell Uncle Sam), we’ve got some of the most secretive, ex-intelligence, ex-black site, ex-shadow government private dealers from the Dark Web willing to slash prices on some primo combat equipment, ready to prepare you for the fight of your life! Buy one, get one half off, even!
Buy what? They can’t tell you, or they’ll have to…charge you extra!
You want handguns? Got them by the shit-ton.
You want hunting rifles? Boatloads!
You want shotguns, semiautos, full autos, Wild West revolvers, laser-guided sights, precision ammo, practice ammo, explosive ammo, hollowpoint ammo, tiny missiles, death-dealing slugs of pure hatred, shells from Hell, boxes and boxes and boxes of bullets so cheap you’ll scorn the name of the Democrat ex-President who ran the prices up in the first place?
WE’VE GOT YOU COVERED!
Not to mention flash bangs, zip ties, tear gas-proofed bandanas (proprietary formula), tactical vests that could stop a metaphorical train (i.e. “not real,” folks. Trust us on this), and free pamphlets about the coming fall of the American government from the most trusted blessed-and-armed churches in the evangelical community.
And those vests? They come in plus sizes!
Don’t let the Feds take you or your brothers-in-blue down because you’re big-boned. The revolution is body positive!
Special speeches and demonstrations from our guests:
- That kid who killed those guys (in self-defense).
- Rick _____, founder of the Darn Tootin’ Boys (his last appearance before turning himself in as a political prisoner).
- The Ex-Secretary of Defense (his last appearance before disappearing into the WitSec program).
- That congresswoman you all like.
And for the kids:
- Fitzroy the Safety Clown and his sidekick, Freedom Bat!
Will the laughs ever stop?
Only if you can’t hear them over the gunfire.
What was that?
YES, there will be FORTY-SIX ON-SITE TARGET LANES so you can test that dream weapon you’ve ogled online for years, or put a good hundred rounds of hot lead through your new purchase.
To compete with that, we’ll have a mainstage with live music from:
- Bad Boise Boys
- DJ Heat Packer
- Rage For the Machine
- “Lee Greenwood” (we think)
*and last but not least loudest*
- Ted Nugent tribute band – The Tallboy Dukes!
And did we mention guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns?
Oh, fuck, will there be guns!
More guns than the closest three army bases combined (so our sources tell us, just in case the Storm arrives).
And right in the middle of all that action will be a Tilt-a-Whirl!
So bring your family, your friends, your pastor, your neighbors, your local militia colleagues, and anyone else who loves FREEDOM and A FUN GODDAMN (excuse the language, Jesus) TIME!
Only at the local Civic Center, starting Friday at seven in the morning.
Smear some mud on your plates, tie your bandanas around your faces, and come on down!
Friday! Friday! Friday!
I'm a novelist (Trooper Down, Yellow Medicine, Slow Bear, many more), short story writer (HAD, Reckon Review, Cowboy Jamboree, many more), and professor (Southwest Minnesota State University), who has been published in JAKE once before. One of my stories was recently chosen for the annual Best American Mystery and Suspense Stories anthology (October '23). My dog, Edmund, thinks I'm just another dog.