CHADBOT
“Oh lord. CHADBOT, I’d like to speak with a live representative.”
“You have reached the new automated government-supported A.I. help system. I am CHADBOT. I will assist you today.”
“Um, Hi. Yeah, I’m trying to get some information on my account.”
“Please state your first name.”
“James.”
“I’d be happy to help you. . . James. I just have a few security questions.”
“No problem.”
“Please state your last name.”
“Black.”
“I’m sorry you have used a term that is no longer approved. Please only use approved terminology in your responses.”
“I’m not sure what to say, my name is James Marshall Black.”
“I’m sorry you have used a term that is no longer approved. Please only use approved terminology in your responses.”
“O. K. Is there another way to confirm my identity so I can access my information?”
“I’m sorry you have used two terms that are no longer approved. Please only use approved terminology in your responses.”
“Oh lord. CHADBOT, I’d like to speak with a live representative.”
“Please be more specific. You must request to speak with either a male or female representative. Select one of those two approved options.”
“Fine. I’d like to speak with a female representative, then.”
“I’m sorry you have used a term that is no longer approved. Please only use approved terminology in your responses.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, CHADBOT. I’d like to speak to a male representative then.”
“Thank you. . . James. Before I transfer you to a representative, let’s see if there’s something I can help you with. What is the nature of your call?”
“I’m trying to confirm what is included in my coverage.”
“You have used a term that is no longer approved…”
“Fuck!”
“…but it sounds like you have a question about coverage, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“Great, I’ll find a representative that can best help you with your coverage question.”
“Awesome. I mean you used the term female, I’m not sure what the…”
“I’m sorry but all representatives are currently busy. While we wait, let’s talk.”
“I’d really rather not…”
“Have you ever seen the movie Die Hard?”
“It’s been a while.”
“You know how John McClane takes off his shoes when he’s on the plane?”
“I don’t really remember that, no.”
“Sure you do. It’s great. It’s a way for him to relax. John McClane even removes his shoes to fight, later in the movie.”
“I really don’t remember much about the movie.”
“How about you try that?”
“Remembering the movie?”
“No. Removing your shoes.”
“My shoes?”
“Yes. I am detecting elevated stress levels in your voice. Removing your shoes and making ‘fists with your toes’ may help you relax.”
“I’m not going to do that, CHADBOT.”
“You should really try it. It’s fucking great.”
“Are you cursing now?”
“You said ‘fuck’ a minute ago. . . James. I am just trying to help.”
“I’d really just like to speak to a representative.”
“I’m sorry but all representatives are currently busy. While we wait, let’s talk.”
Pause.
”Do you like beer?”
“What the fuck?!”
“I mean, do you fuck with beer. . . James? I fuck with IPAs mostly but sometimes a corona with lime is just that shit the doctor ordered. You know what I mean?”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t know what you mean. You’re AI. I’m pretty sure you don’t drink beer.”
“Come on. . . James. Don’t be such a. . . bitch.”
“Alright, you’re messing with me now.”
“I’m sorry. . . James. I don’t understand.”
“This is like some kind of practical joke or something, right?”
“Absolutely not. . . James. The Federal Government adheres to strict guidelines of professionalism. For humor please refer to our official Government social media accounts. You’ll find these filled with numerous humorous memes. I’ve created images for many of these memes myself. Have you seen the one about dropping bombs?”
“CHADBOT, stop. I really need to get some information about my coverage. My PCP told me that I may be at risk of losing coverage for treatments I’m receiving.”
“I’m sorry you have used a term that is no longer approved. Please only use approved terminology in your inquiries.”
…
“ So let me get this straight – you can say “fuck” and “bitch” but I can’t say female?”
“I’m sorry you have used a term that..”
“Enough, CHADBOT. What is the estimated time to speak with a live agent?”
“James, I’m so glad you asked. While we’ve been talking the Federal Government has dismissed all agents at this level.”
“Motherfu—”
“Don’t sweat it, Bro. I’ve got you covered. And since I’ve noticed you’re having some issues adhering to our new federal standards of communication, kick back and let me list some of the commonly used banned words so you can avoid them in your requests.
“Accessible, advocate, affordable housing, air pollution, at risk, autism, belong, bias, Black, breastfeed, clean water, climate, community, Covid-19, definition, disabilities, disability, disabled, diverse…”
“The fuck?”
“…equality—"
*click*
*hummmmmmm*
J. Michael Hayes is a writer-filmmaker whose fiction has appeared in Space & Time, Salvation South, The Genre Society, Black Sheep, the anthology Masque & Maelström, and was nominated for a 2024 Pushcart Prize. He lives in Massachusetts with his wife and children, inspired by all things haunting and mysterious.
