by Zoe Davis
You will need:
One dragon, assorted meat, firewood (sentient is now considered less sustainable, please see appendix for suitable alternatives), one sacrifice, willing or otherwise, and oven gloves (optional).
One large army. For orcs, please double quantities.
Note: When cooking outdoors it is important to choose a good location for your fire. If time is short and the kids are begging you to go out pillaging with them, pick a recently decimated village. Remember, the embers of your enemies’ charred corpses will still be giving off heat for a few hours. Make use of this for steak, brisket and s’mores. Don't forget the marshmallows!
Prime your favourite dragon to deliver a long, steady flame, rather than one short burst.
If a relative has recently died, or you wish to make a point in an overly dramatic fashion, build a pyre.* Introduce meat/sacrifice to dragon. Stand well back. Ignite.
* Handy tip: You can always get in on the bottom, leaving room for your hungry army's favourite roast on top!
If time allows, send out a scout to pick local herbs and vegetables. Remember, they can always be thrown on later.
For a party crowd, especially post victory, do keep timings in mind. Do not light your pyre (if using) too early. Your assumed demise must be the highlight of the evening. Many an event has been ruined by a host’s poor timekeeping. You will want to be done at least twenty minutes before the meat to allow for time to rest.
Serve with wine as an accompaniment, or blood if your guests have a taste for it.
Remember to douse fire when finished, along with any minor rebellions.
Continue until eventual madness or premature death.
Zoe Davis is a writer and artist from Sheffield, England. A Quality Engineer in Advanced Manufacturing by day, she spends evenings and weekends writing poetry and prose and especially enjoys exploring the interaction between the fantastical and the mundane. When she is not writing, Zoe can be found drawing, baking, and playing para ice hockey- just not at the same time. You can follow her on Twitter @MeanerHarker where she is always happy to have a virtual coffee and a chat.