A study of the common vampire
It is a common misconception that vampire’s teeth point downwards.
by Emma Burnett
Abstract
A study of the common vampire reveals that there are common misconceptions about their a) anatomy; b) general personalities and dispositions; and c) appreciation of good food regardless of allium content, which the aforementioned bloodsucking community are keen to rectify, namely through improved academic research, revisions to policy to improve vampiric welfare and support, and in the public-facing literature and media which has done a dis-service to the vampire community as a whole, framing them as a) anti-social; b) mindlessly blood-thirsty; and c) gothic, which is not to say that they might not be some of these things, but few people, vampire or otherwise, are all of these things all the time, which begs the question as to why all vampires are considered to be this trifecta of anti-social and dangerous, or why the common conception pigeonholes them into this singularly unlikable and often deeply offensive narrative structure (Jones, 1937; Jones & Jones, 1952; Jones & Harvey, 1954; Jones & Kumar, 1957). In this, the first of three papers published in this special issue on re-examining the popular (mis)conceptualisations of the roles and relegations of vampires in society, we examine the physiology of the common vampire, in particular the lower cranial structures (Kumar, Jones, & Hallow, 1978). This follows on from the studies of Hallow & Dewsbury (1999), which source data through the retelling of intergenerational family anecdotes, however, in this study, we rely on a more ethnographic approach, presenting personal accounts collected in the field from first- and second-hand experiences and narrated to the authors.
Case study
It is a common misconception that vampire’s teeth point downwards. In point of fact, they are upwardly directed (Jones & Jones, 1952), and explored in the following excerpt submitted by Participant 4:
Yoshua[1] discovered this at a rave that his friend was involved in organising, out in a little wood not far from a little rail station not far from his friend’s place in the countryside, which was, in fact pretty far from everything.
It was more-or-less a Halloween party[2], and Yoshua hadn’t planned to stay long. But someone offered him a line of something, and by the time he’d come down off the high[3], he was sweaty from dancing and lying on a heap of cushions in the chill out tent. Next to him was a vampire.
It wasn’t that the vampire was unexpected. A Halloween rave was bound to bring out some high quality costumery.
“I think your teeth are in upside down, mate,” Yoshua slurred at the man, who looked somewhere between eighteen and two hundred years old. “They’re supposed to be…” he held his pointer fingers to his face, curved down like a sabretooth’s fangs.
“Common misconception,” said the vampire. “Don’t know where that idea came from. Honestly, why would we want teeth that point down? Blood would spill over our chins, and get all over our clothes. Also, you could only bite sideways. When they point upwards, we can bite however we want.”
His jaw jutted forwards, and Yoshua thought he looked a little like an orc or maybe one of those grumpy-looking deep sea fish with fangs.
Yoshua decided it wasn’t a good look.
“It’s not a good look,” he mumbled.
“Thanks,” said the vampire. “But I don’t have them for looks.”
“You could take them out, maybe?” Yoshua leaned against the stack of cushions. “It’s not like there’s anyone in here besides us. You don’t need to stay in costume.”
The vampire nodded. “I could,” he said. “But it would hurt a hell of a lot. They’re hollow[4], but there are still nerve endings in there, at the base. And I’d have to wait for them to regrow before I ate again.”
“You… what now?” Yoshua’s processing speed was sluggish, at best.
The vampire tapped on a tooth. “Hollow. Like a syringe. Direct drawdown from source to sip.[5] Very sensible design.”
Yoshua felt his forehead crinkle. This felt like too much information to have about some fake, falsely-inserted teeth.
“I can show you,” said the vampire.
The slowly grinding gears in Yoshua’s mind began to wonder if he could instruct his legs to stand up. He was suddenly very uncomfortable about the way the vampire was staring at him. He would much rather find another line to snort and a group to dance with.
“You probably don’t want to get too close.” The words grumbled out over his dry tongue. “I had a lot of garlic at dinner.”
The vampire nodded. “Yeah, I can tell. You reek like cheese farts. Maybe if you showered, shaved, lost forty pounds, and gobbling cheese and garlic, you’d be a passable entrée. As it is, the idea of your blood makes me feel a little nauseous.”
“Whoa. You’re mean.” Yoshua heaved himself up. “I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.”
“Ace. Off you scoot, then.” The vampire grinned, and the skin around his protruding jaw stretched too tight.
Yoshua staggered out of the tent into the throng, pretending he couldn’t hear the call from behind him.
“If you see anyone who looks delicious, send them my way, would you?”
Pseudonyms are used throughout this manuscript. ↩︎
Although a well-traversed trope, vampires are, in fact, known to frequent parties with an element of what might be considered ‘fancy dress,’ allowing them to integrate into the proceedings without social stigma, mass panic, or the wild and deeply dangerous wielding of sharpened sticks. ↩︎
We acknowledge the degree of unreliability of the narrator in this telling. However, the physical appearance and general temperament of the vampire corresponds with other descriptors, and we consider this appropriately triangulated, and thus valid. ↩︎
The physiological structure of this is outlined in detail in Kumar, Jones, & Hallow (1978). ↩︎
An old slogan, originally utilised in the advertisements of the mid-19th century, and subsequently documented in Jones & Jones (1952). ↩︎
References
Jones, Strega (1937). A beginner’s field guide to the common and garden sanguisuge entity. Wayfinder Press.
Jones, S. & Jones, M (1952). The socio-economic implications of ostracization on the ex-sanguination population following mass hysteria in Southern and Eastern Europe in the mid- to late-18th century. Vampiros Sociologia, (6) 66.
Jones, S. & Harvey, L. (1954). Revisiting the gothic: Locking the vampire into falsified historic and contemporary social narratives. Wayfinder Press.
Jones, S. & Kumar, T. (1957). A steak through the heart: Assessing the quantity of blood required for every-day vampire survival. Monstrum Physiologia, 6 (66).
Kumar, T., Jones, S., & Hallow, U.N. (1978). Olfactory receptors, gut flora, and the cranial structure of vampiric entities. Haemovore Studies, 6 (66).
Hallow, V. & Dewsbury, S. (1999). An integrated account of long-term intergenerational family stories focusing on vampiric occurrences, collected and investigated using a narrative inquiry approach. Undead Quarterly, 6 (66).
Emma Burnett is a researcher and writer. She has had stories in Mythaxis, Northern Gravy, Apex, Radon, Utopia, MetaStellar, Milk Candy Review, Elegant Literature, Roi Fainéant, The Sunlight Press, Rejection Letters, and more. You can find her @slashnburnett, @slashnburnett.bsky.social, or emmaburnett.uk.
