You May Be Entitled

Call Bird & Frank TODAY at 1-800-BNF-4YOU for a free consultation and get back the dominance you deserve! 

You May Be Entitled
Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya / Unsplash

By Garrett Berberich

Are YOU suffering from a defective dominant hand-switch procedure? You may be entitled to compensation! 

Over the last year, companies have cropped up offering what many thought was too good to be true: a service making lefties righties and righties lefties. The industry exploded, but reports of defects have grown. 

That’s where Bird & Frank Attorneys at Law come in! 

If you or somebody you know has lost hand dominance after seeking a switch, get in touch TODAY and learn how we can help. Just ask Genine! 

“I’m Genine. We had our kitchen renovated recently – a lovely job done at an affordable price, but the refrigerator placement made me open the door with my left hand – not ideal with my arthritis! I had to make a change, so I scheduled an appointment. I figured why not? At my age? It could be a fun change of pace!

The procedure was smooth, quick and painless. But that night, I noticed the problem while knitting. I hadn’t become a lefty at all! And to make matters worse, my right hand lost its strength too!” 

If you’re like Genine, wanting to go from righty to lefty but ending up with neither, call Bird & Frank! Strum did and it changed his life! 

“Call me Strum. My livelihood is throwin’. I’m a ball thrower. A tosser. A pitcher. I wind up and chuck it hard and straight. It’s my passion. As a kid, I started thrivin’ on the ballfield, climbin’ the ranks. Before I knew it, I found myself drafted. 72nd overall! Hell, I was proud. And things started strong. I was a hard-throwin’ righty in the minors, waitin’ for my chance. But the call up to the pros wasn’t comin’. I couldn’t figure it out! 

Finally, coach said the big club had too many righties in the bullpen. That’s when I knew it: a hand-switch could get me to the show, get me throwin’ lefty to the best. I had to try! Those sunsets aren’t comin’ any slower. 

The procedure was easy. I hardly remember being out at all. The restraints weren’t cumbersome either. And when I woke up, my left arm just felt strong, certain. I left, grabbed a ball, and gave it a go. MAN was I impressed! But when I woke up the next day, my left arm felt like my old left arm again! And my right arm felt like my old left arm too! It had lost its dominance. I didn’t know what to do. I tried throwin’ a session and got all noodly doodly! I couldn’t hit the zone! It’s a disgrace! I got cut, but thank ya to Bird and Frank, I got the compensation I needed!” 

Call Bird & Frank TODAY at 1-800-BNF-4YOU for a free consultation and get back the dominance you deserve!  

Have YOU gone out for drinks to a place you’d never been, only to leave and find that it’s two days later?

Time Stretch venues without adequate warnings can RUIN plans and CHANGE trajectories without consent! It’s time they stopped. Just ask George: 

It was a Friday. Normally, I’d be on the couch with a beer and pizza, tuning into whatever game might be on the TV. But that night, I felt young. It was going to be a big weekend. That Sunday, I was hosting the Black Bean Bonanza, an annual tradition for me and my neighbors. Imagine it: one yard with all your friends and all the black bean-based dishes you can think of. 

So that night I called a younger colleague to see whether they might wanna hit the town. He suggested this place named Time Flies. I didn’t think twice. It was a fun night, real fun. Next thing I knew, my alarm was going off on what I thought was Saturday – a day intended for prep and bean collecting before the big Sunday Bonanza. But when I saw the 20 missed texts and calls, it hit me. It was Monday – I’d missed the Bonanza by a day! And in the process, I let down my community. 

The friends I lost, the meals I missed… those can’t be replaced. But thanks to Stretch Stompers LLC, I’m part of the solution – identifying these dangerous establishments and earning compensation in the process!”

Join us! Report an Unsanctioned Time Stretch Establishment (UTSE) by calling Stretch Stompers at 1-800-NOS-TRET and earn CASH. With dozens of missed appointments and RUINED plans reported, the need has never been greater. 

Rumors swirl of a WEEKLONG Time Stretch Establishment opening downtown by year’s end! Do YOU want to live in a world where entering the wrong place means missing a week? We don’t! Act now! CALL 1-800-NOS-TRET today.

How’s your FACE? Have you recently undergone the FaceBrace Enhancement Procedure and been left disappointed? You may be entitled to compensation! You’ve probably heard the tagline more times than you can count (Beauty. Seek it. Crave it. Build it with FaceBrace). But recently, reports of faulty outcomes are increasing! Meet Johnny. 

“Johnny here. About a year ago, I was fed up. Fed up with bein’ alone, feelin’ sad, toiling my life away. I’d look in the mirror and think, ah. Sure, I’d grown to accept my looks. But I knew I needed a change. One day, an ad flashed across my TV, saying something like “YOU there! Don’t you wish you looked better? BEAUTY. Seek it. Crave it. Build it with FaceBrace! The portable bedtime mechanism to change it all.” And then came this a cappella jingle: 

“Improve your looks  with precision and pace Use FaceBrace (Face! Brace!)”

I couldn’t get that dang tune outta my head! I’d hear it in taxicabs, on TV, in restaurants. Painless, they’d sing. Portable. Like a washcloth. 

Finally, I called 1-800-YES-FACE and made an appointment. 

 NOW look at me! Not only is my nose FAR too close to my upper lip, but I was never warned of having to wear this thing on my face 12 hours a day. A Face Retainer? I thought they were kidding! About a month after the procedure, I took a vacation to the Caribbean. Imagine wearing a Face Retainer while gettin’ sun sippin’ a cocktail on the beach. Hell no I won’t! But after two nights without the retainer, my features started sliding! Overnight, I noticed my nose inching downward. At first, I thought it was in my head. But when I got out the ruler, I knew. It’s way too thin! WAY too thin! 

From lip-to-nose-length changes and ear-height shifts to eye-socket rotations and cheekbone sinkholes, the risks are REAL. 

Are your features sliding? If so, FaceBrace may be liable, and YOU may be entitled to compensation. Call 1-800-NOF-ACEB today. That’s 1-800-NOF-ACEB. 

QUESTION: Has your Social Compass Clarifier (SCC) been misguiding you, leaving an acquaintance on Say Hello who has YOU set on Don’t Engage? You may be entitled to compensation. 

Social Compass Clarifiers claim to bring “new social clarity and guidance in a time of mixed messages.” The sell seems easy: more robust conversation. Less conflict and confusion. 

But is an app that indicates if and how to engage with acquaintances in your vicinity – based on person-to-person preference settings – too good to be true? The answer is simple: YES!  

Do you feel that more people should want to speak with you? Well, what if they DO, and the SCC is misrepresenting the truth through faulty settings? What then? 

How many annoyed glares and cold shoulders from people your SCC has set on Say Hello will it take? Stop wondering and take ACTION! 

If you’re not satisfied socially and think your SCC might be misguiding you, call us today at 1-800-SCC-STOP. 

For something as sacred as our relationships, we deserve certainty. We deserve guidance that we can trust! Call 1-800-SCC-STOP today. 

Have you called to report on products and services like the Dominant Hand Switch, Time Stretch Establishments, FaceBraces, or Social Compass Clarifiers with the promise of compensation? Did that compensation never arrive? If so, you may be entitled to compensation! It has become clear that reporting on these products begins a process of manipulation, with many steps, and many ploys. 

 But NO MORE! Call CompEnforcers TODAY at 1-800-ENF-ORCE to get the compensation you were promised, and more! 

Running a business can be hard enough. Imagine doing it with vigilante consumers looking under every floorboard for wrongdoing! 

Do you have a problem with customers entering your business and suspecting Time Stretching? You may be entitled to relief, and Biz Protectors can help! 

 Commerce Regulators’ call logs have been backed up for months with reports of possible Unsanctioned Time Stretch Establishments (UTSE), only to be quickly proven wrong. 

 How is this happening? It’s easy: companies have sprouted up that streamline civil suits by victims of UTSEs and earn a percentage of payouts. But after months of success, these companies have grown greedy, unleashing scores of suspicious, money-hungry consumers looking for the slightest hint of time stretching. 

 The companies’ “pay per report” compensation structure leads consumers to brazenly report possible UTSEs without cause for the money, wasting everyone’s time and damaging YOUR business in the process. 

 But new programs are in place to give businesses relief, and YOU may be entitled. Call 1-800-BIZ-PROT NOW! 

Did you recently call an organization named CompEnforcers to report on undelivered compensation related to faulty FaceBraces, Time Stretches, or Hand Switches?

Were you told that reporting on those products began a “process” with many “steps” and “ploys?” 

After calling, were you invited to a nondescript office building in the middle of a forest you had never seen before, with branchless tree trunks that reached high above the building? 

 Upon entering the building, did a man in a sharp-looking suit approach you and serve as your guide? At the end of the consultation, did you leave with an envelope you thought was filled with money but instead held a long note outlining a quest you had to take to secure the compensation you were promised? 

 Did you embark on that quest? 

 Are you on it now? 

 If you’re NOW on the quest required to secure compensation for reporting on the ads for products you had previously called about, you may be entitled to compensation. Call 1-800-AQU-EST1 and learn more! 

Quests? They’re TOUGH! Are you on one right now, given in the form of a stuffed envelope you thought was cash compensation for reporting on outlandish ads that withheld other promised compensation? 

 Is the quest confusing – not only because of the amount of time it’s taking, but also because it uses vague descriptions and poor grammar? Is it asking you to do strange, challenging, or even dangerous things?

 If so, you’re in LUCK! Quest Support is here to help you complete the quest and secure your compensation! 

 At Quest Support, we agree – those ads aren’t only dishonest, they’re dangerous. Compensating those who report them is necessary for the good of humanity. 

 Help us help you secure that compensation by calling Quest Support today! Call us at 1-800-QUE-STSS! 


 There is fraud in your community. We repeat. There is fraud in your community. Have you recently gone on a challenging quest to secure compensation and called Quest Support to guide you? If so, you may be entitled to compensation! 

 A recent class action lawsuit against Quest Support Inc. revealed a hidden contract between Quest Support Inc. and Compensation Evolved – the think tank behind the quests in question.

 Through this contract, Compensation Evolved assured Quest Support that its quests are so challenging that completion is only possible with help from Quest Support. The contract includes profit sharing – with Quest Support providing a kickback percentage of profits to Compensation Evolved. 

 What does this mean? It means you are being led on an IMPOSSIBLE quest that requires MORE money to solve it to access the compensation promised! 

 Many companies use Compensation Evolved, which frames its services by saying “don’t let your delivery of compensation be the end of your engagement with the consumer. More is possible. Reach Compensation Evolved and level up.” 

 It needs to stop TODAY. Call us today at 1-800-LAW-COMP. That’s 1-800-LAW-COMP. 

 Are unsettling things happening to you or your business? 

 Are people causing you problems? 

 Is there tension in your vicinity? 

 If so, QUESTS may be the reason. And YOU may be entitled to compensation. If you’re anything like Jenny, call TODAY. 

 “I’m Jenny. Picture it. It’s a Saturday. I wake up early, hustle to source my fabrics, drink coffee, and visualize a successful day at my shop. I leave my flat early to grab a pastry on a leisurely walk to the store, enjoying bright sun and the smell of breakfast wafting through windows to the cobblestone street. I listen for birds. I smile at the wonder of it all. Saturdays are my shop’s best day, and it mattered that week – bills were piling up. My high hopes remained until around lunch, when suddenly a surge of strange folks entered the shop.

 Everyone was stealthily perusing my bookshelves in silence – avoiding eye contact. Then I heard the first rip. I thought maybe it was somebody tearing up a receipt until I looked to the philosophy section. A man in a peacoat stood there holding the page of a book he had just torn out. As he ran, I heard another rip. A woman in the fantasy aisle was doing the same. I blocked her way out and asked why. All she said was “It’s the quest” as the sound of more ripping paper overpowered the Fleetwood Mac playing on the radio. 

Pages flew around the room! I thought I was done for! But thanks to Regu-Quest, my books were replaced, above cost!” 

Jenny is one of many! Meet Jermaine. 

 “Jermaine here! Sure, I’m a coffee roaster and pastry baker. But really I’m a curator of feeling. My coffee shop isn’t just a shop. It’s an escape, an entrance, a way forward. 

 I tell myself all the time: I’m selling rich coffee and tasty treats with a side of lifestyle. 

 But what if that lifestyle is WAY too loud? Things would change pretty fast! 

 Well one weekend, I came in during a rush and had to plug my ears! Patrons packed the space, sipping coffee, and for some reason, yelling! At first, I chalked it up to the crowd and the music. But when the yelling continued the next day, I had to figure it out. I confronted a man conversationally screaming over his latte at his companion. His explanation? “A QUEST IS MAKING ME DO THIS!”  

 I was battling those yellers for weeks until I heard about Regu-Quest. They saved the day and made up for lost business. Thanks, Regu-Quest!” 

Call us toll free today at 1-800-REG-QUES. That’s 1-800-REG-QUES.

 *the clanking sound of a closing jail cell* 

JAILTIME. First, you were reporting a faulty product for compensation. Now, you’re spending the night in the SLAMMER for something the QUEST you were on in order to GET the compensation MADE you do! 

 If this describes you, you may be entitled to free bail or counsel. QUEST BAIL can help. Schedule a visit today! We’ll come to you. 1-800-QUE-BAIL. That’s 1-800-QUE-BAIL. 

 Still on it? The Quest? Do you even know which quest anymore? 

Did you call to report being on a quest to get compensation you thought was in an envelope after being told that if you were on that quest, you might be entitled to compensation? Upon calling, were you told to check your email for compensation transfer instructions, only to find ANOTHER outline of a NEW sub-quest? Did the requirements of THAT quest cause you to commit CRIMES? Were you caught? Did you go to JAIL as a result? While in jail, did you call QUEST BAIL about free bail, only to discover that getting the free bail required completion of ANOTHER sub-quest, which would bring you to three, maybe four quests now, but you’ve lost count and aren’t really sure why you’re doing anything you’re doing anymore? 

If so, you may be entitled to compensation! 

Garrett Berberich was born in Schenectady, New York and lives in Baltimore Maryland, where he works as a writer and marketer for various groups and causes. His writing can be found in Flash Fiction Magazine and Idle Ink. His cat, Singer, can be found resting in his home. Reach him (Garrett, not Singer) at