Shakespeareโs Cumslut ๐ฅต๐
To ๐ ฑ๏ธ or not to ๐ ฑ๏ธ
by Aaron Barry
(originally published under the name b.h. fein)
Editor's Note: In light of recent news, JAKE has updated the author's name and biography to reflect the values of his editorial process and the places where it disconnects from the author's. He believes removing it from the record would be problematic in archiving the mag, and sees artistic value beyond the cruel joke intended by Mr. Barry. It's a piece of satire, and JAKE took it as such. Even though the target was different than the author intended, JAKE knows the Author is dead anyways, and is free to interpret the comedy how he wants. Below is the poem as it originally appeared (at some point the code broke, but this is most reflective of the original manuscript). JAKE had also nominated the poem for Best of the Net, but has elected to remove it from the collection, as he doesn't wish to encourage others like Barry to talk down on their own process in the way he has.
To ๐ ฑ๏ธ or not to ๐ ฑ๏ธ William Shakespeareโs ๐ฌ๐ญ๐คด little cumslut ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐๐ปโโ๏ธ : that is the question. I want Billy bard ๐๐จ๐ปโ๐จ to spank ๐๐๐ป my big ๐ฅต juicy ๐ฅต๐ฅต fanny ๐๐๐ป while he pens โ๏ธ his sexy ๐ฅต๐ฅต๐ฒ sophisticated ๐ป๐ฉ๐ฟโ๐ซ plays ๐๐๐๐ค . (No โ Edward de Vere โ๏ธ๐๐ป๐๐ฟ conspiracy ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ป here!) If Iโm lucky ๐ณ, Daddy ๐ง๐ปโ๐๐ ๐ will dress me up ๐๐ฅป like one of his stage players ๐คน๐ฟโโ๏ธ๐ป๐๏ธ and ๐ and ๐ my ๐๐ฎโ๐จ๐. I need to Ophelia ๐๐ผโโ๏ธโ ๏ธ him inside me! ๐ซ๐๐๐ค๐ผ๐ป Do you think ๐ง๐ซ heโll write a sexy ๐ฝโค๏ธโ iambic 2๏ธโฃ pentameter 5๏ธโฃ slutliloquy ๐ฎโ๐จ๐คค๐ for me? His little ๐๐ผ๐น๐ป Tightass ๐คญ๐ Andronicus ๐๏ธ๐ฆ๐ป๐ฆ But itโs as Daddy ๐ฎโ๐จ๐ always saysโwhy express yourself ๐ฅธ๐คจ when you can undress ๐โฌ๏ธ yourself? He he ๐๐คฃ Daddy knows best! ๐คฉ๐ฅณ So Iโll be a good little sluttie ๐๐๐ฅต and stroke ๐ his pen(i)s โtil his ink ๐คคโ๏ธ๐ฆ๐ฐ๐ฅฐ cums out ๐๐ฆ๐ฏ๐
b. h. fein (it's/complicated) is not fine.