Shakespeareโ€™s Cumslut ๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿ˜

To ๐Ÿ…ฑ๏ธ or not to ๐Ÿ…ฑ๏ธ

Shakespeareโ€™s Cumslut ๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿ˜
Photo by Taha / Unsplash

by Aaron Barry

(originally published under the name b.h. fein)


Editor's Note: In light of recent news, JAKE has updated the author's name and biography to reflect the values of his editorial process and the places where it disconnects from the author's. He believes removing it from the record would be problematic in archiving the mag, and sees artistic value beyond the cruel joke intended by Mr. Barry. It's a piece of satire, and JAKE took it as such. Even though the target was different than the author intended, JAKE knows the Author is dead anyways, and is free to interpret the comedy how he wants. Below is the poem as it originally appeared (at some point the code broke, but this is most reflective of the original manuscript). JAKE had also nominated the poem for Best of the Net, but has elected to remove it from the collection, as he doesn't wish to encourage others like Barry to talk down on their own process in the way he has.

To ๐Ÿ…ฑ๏ธ or not to ๐Ÿ…ฑ๏ธ William Shakespeareโ€™s ๐ŸŽฌ๐ŸŽญ๐Ÿคด little cumslut ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ : that is the question. I want Billy bard ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€๐ŸŽจ to spank ๐Ÿ™€๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป my big ๐Ÿฅต juicy ๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿฅต fanny ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿป while he pens โœ’๏ธ his sexy ๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿ˜ฒ sophisticated ๐ŸŽป๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿฟโ€๐Ÿซ plays ๐Ÿ“”๐Ÿ“•๐Ÿ“˜๐Ÿ˜ค . (No โŒ Edward de Vere โœ๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿฟ conspiracy ๐Ÿ‘ฝ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿป here!) If Iโ€™m lucky ๐Ÿ˜ณ, Daddy ๐Ÿง‘๐Ÿปโ€๐ŸŽ“๐Ÿ‘…๐Ÿ† will dress me up ๐Ÿ‘”๐Ÿฅป like one of his stage players ๐Ÿคน๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ‘๏ธ and ๐Ÿ‘… and ๐Ÿ‘„ my ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ‘€. I need to Ophelia ๐Ÿ™†๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ him inside me! ๐Ÿซ‚๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿค™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜ป Do you think ๐Ÿง๐Ÿ˜ซ heโ€™ll write a sexy ๐Ÿ˜ฝโค๏ธโ— iambic 2๏ธโƒฃ pentameter 5๏ธโƒฃ slutliloquy ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿ˜œ for me? His little ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜น๐Ÿ˜ป Tightass ๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿ˜› Andronicus ๐Ÿ›๏ธ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ‡ป๐Ÿ‡ฆ But itโ€™s as Daddy ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ˜Œ always saysโ€”why express yourself ๐Ÿฅธ๐Ÿคจ when you can undress ๐Ÿ‘—โฌ‡๏ธ yourself? He he ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ Daddy knows best! ๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿฅณ So Iโ€™ll be a good little sluttie ๐Ÿ˜š๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿฅต and stroke ๐Ÿ˜‰ his pen(i)s โ€˜til his ink ๐Ÿคคโœ’๏ธ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿฅฐ cums out ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’‹


b. h. fein (it's/complicated) is not fine.