Shakespeare’s Cumslut 🥵😏
To 🅱️ or not to 🅱️
by Aaron Barry
(originally published under the name b.h. fein)
Editor's Note: In light of recent news, JAKE has updated the author's name and biography to reflect the values of his editorial process and the places where it disconnects from the author's. He believes removing it from the record would be problematic in archiving the mag, and sees artistic value beyond the cruel joke intended by Mr. Barry. It's a piece of satire, and JAKE took it as such. Even though the target was different than the author intended, JAKE knows the Author is dead anyways, and is free to interpret the comedy how he wants. Below is the poem as it originally appeared (at some point the code broke, but this is most reflective of the original manuscript). JAKE had also nominated the poem for Best of the Net, but has elected to remove it from the collection, as he doesn't wish to encourage others like Barry to talk down on their own process in the way he has.
To 🅱️ or not to 🅱️ William Shakespeare’s 🎬🎭🤴 little cumslut 😩💦🙇🏻♂️ : that is the question. I want Billy bard 📝👨🏻🎨 to spank 🙀👏🏻 my big 🥵 juicy 🥵🥵 fanny 🍑👋🏻 while he pens ✒️ his sexy 🥵🥵😲 sophisticated 🎻👩🏿🏫 plays 📔📕📘😤 . (No ❌ Edward de Vere ✝️👎🏻👎🏿 conspiracy 👽👮🏻 here!) If I’m lucky 😳, Daddy 🧑🏻🎓👅🍆 will dress me up 👔🥻 like one of his stage players 🤹🏿♀️👻👁️ and 👅 and 👄 my 👀😮💨👀. I need to Ophelia 🙆🏼♀️☠️ him inside me! 🫂👄👄🤙🏼😻 Do you think 🧐😫 he’ll write a sexy 😽❤️❗ iambic 2️⃣ pentameter 5️⃣ slutliloquy 😮💨🤤😜 for me? His little 👌🏼😹😻 Tightass 🤭😛 Andronicus 🏛️💦🇻🇦 But it’s as Daddy 😮💨😌 always says—why express yourself 🥸🤨 when you can undress 👗⬇️ yourself? He he 😂🤣 Daddy knows best! 🤩🥳 So I’ll be a good little sluttie 😚😝🥵 and stroke 😉 his pen(i)s ‘til his ink 🤤✒️💦😰🥰 cums out 🍆💦💯💋
b. h. fein (it's/complicated) is not fine.
