GAZE
I come to him every day, every day in a new shirt.
by Loria Harris
I come to him every day, every day in a new shirt, certain to be one he hasn’t seen before, whether purple or yellow to complement my skin tone or V-necked and fitted to flatter my shape, every day hoping my ass will pop in my expensive skinny jeans, every day hearing him offer kindnesses—to everyone, but that includes me; so tenderly it includes me—every day noticing his shirts (always the same style, button-up, short-sleeved, only enough to show hints at professionalism but no feelings on style, no aesthetic leaning specific to him except a sight trend toward western and rural, surprising given his urban upbringing) and his shaved chin (free of nicks; he’s careful with a razor; how careful he must be with everything with his pencil-calloused hands), not every day but on certain days noticing his glance in my direction, a sly slip of eyes as I swirl my coffee, or disguised appreciation as he sees but glances away from cleavage more visible than I mean for it to be (I try to keep it classy), every day scraping for a chance, a question, the next venture into learning the landscape of his life, or (my breath catches in my mouth) a question from him—he learns more about me—the surprise in his voice, the delight at new revelations, new commonalities, every day smiling knowing I will see him, the anticipation soaking my bones, until every day I begin to come to him afraid because though he turns he turns away, and though he looks he looks past, and I realize I long for the day I come no longer, the day my shoulders sink—not in sadness but in relaxation, not in regret but in relief, because on that day, the day he no longer sees me, on that day I no longer hoist the weight of his gaze.
Loria Harris is an MFA in Writing student at Lindenwood University. Published in Winged Penny Review, Reverie Literary Magazine, Kings River Review, and others, she has received the Jim Haba Poetry Award and the Alyson Dickerman Poetry Prize. A lifelong multi-creative, Loria holds a BA in Music Performance and works as a professional portrait photographer.
