Ten Easy Steps to Creating Your Own Religion, Being Your Own God, and Staying a Step Ahead of AI

1. Research matters. Light, dark, firmaments, air, water—Earth Wind & Fire if you’re musical! Gardens are optional, as are snakes and fruit. Keep ‘em naked.

2. Rules matter, mysteries too. The more the better. Contradictions create doubt, doubt ignites fear, fear gets them in the door. Fear blows things up. That’s a fun rule, too.

3. Destroy something right out of the gate. (See #2) Flood ‘em, burn ‘em, starve ‘em. Then throw your celestial arms wide for a big bear hug of forgiveness. Omnipotence has range.

4. Keep your virgins separate from your priests. (Who needs the lawsuits?) Keep an altar handy. Remember sacrifices, especially in prime time, are tres chic.

5. Have a Son who’s more powerful than Thor or Spider Man, give him Uber powers, kill him. Employ a dozen illiterate fishermen to write the story. Leave the women to bury everyone. Have a sacred Ghost share the story on holidays.

6 & 7. No worries, you can skip these. You’re a Deity. WTF! ChatGPT will write these steps anyway.

8. Keep a journal. Directions matter. Descriptions matter. Numbers matter. What’s one more than infinity? Remember, the only thing you don’t know is what it’s like to not be you.

9. Tread carefully with technology. Wooden arks are one thing, AI quite another. Remember the Apple? There’s an algorithm right now that thinks it’s you.

10. Hell’s a necessity you’ll realize as eternity wears on. Forgiveness must be more than infinite; forgiveness is exhausting.

Bonus! Serve donuts after your ceremony. Get a halo.