Our Grill Dad, Who Art in Barbecue Heaven

by L.M. Cole

Scholars have uncovered shocking new evidence of a gross mistranslation of ancient texts which could shake the very foundations of religion worldwide. New translations of old documents suggest that historians and theologians have misunderstood the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth which has prompted biblical scholars and historians to dub the religious leader “Barbecue Jesus.” One mistranslation involves the well-known “walking on water” narrative, which is now believed to relate a story in which Barbeque Jesus walks, not on water, but on hot dogs. Further translations shed light on the “loaves and fishes” story, in which Jesus is said to have fed the masses with only a few loaves of bread and fish. In the corrected version, Barbecue Jesus, master of the pit fire, performed the miracle of serving lunch to a sweaty crowd on a hot summer day after asking only once “who wants hot dogs and who wants burgers?” Texts report that he could grill using gas and charcoal with equal skill, and that his favorite grilling tool was his spatula, affectionately named “The Mustard Steed.” News of the corrected translations have prompted a reconsideration of historic acts of the church regarding the treatment of heresy, specifically the act of burning heretics at the stake, when translations suggest that the proscribed treatment of enemies to the church should have been burning of steaks, forcing opponents of the church to try to choke down dry, well-done meat in a time when steak sauce was considered a luxury. These new “Barbecue Revelations,” as enumerated by eminent scholar John “The Slabtist” Zacharias in his recently published treatise on grill-based faiths point out that these misinterpretations may not be unique to Christianity. In fact, he suggests that even ancient Norse may be subject to this widespread problem, stating that stories of the mythical tree Yggdrasil is meant as allegory to relay a vital message to followers, and the name should be correctly pronounced “ya-just-grill.” The full repercussions of this new research have yet to be seen and may spark outrage amongst traditionalist religious leaders, but, of the dangers presented in publishing his discoveries, Zacharias says humbly, “sometimes you have to risk it for the brisket.” 

L.M. Cole is a poet and artist residing in North Carolina. She is the co-editor of Bulb Culture Collective and her work has appeared or is forthcoming with The Pinch Journal, The McNeese Review, The Dodge, JAKE, and others. For more information visit https://linktr.ee/lmcole

L.M. is also the new Managing Editor for Poetry here at JAKE!